Human Flesh Flavored Tofu Eclipsed By Meaty Merchandising

The Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth, New Hampshire has a cannibal on campus, well not exactly. Mark Nuckols is the founder and CEO of Hufu, LLC - a company that not only invented, but sells a tofu type creation that simulates the complex texture and flavor of human flesh. According to the eathufu FAQ, the people free product was originally conceived “for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism” and occurred to Nuckols while reading about the people eaters and nibbling away on a tofurkey sandwich. The scrumptious combination of human and tofu, Hufu “tastes like beef but a little softer and a little sweeter in taste” but admittedly the creator hasn’t ever truly sampled real human flesh as of publishing date, so his flavor combination is an obvious approximation. His chewy creation does, however, contain zero fat and 100 calories per one ounce serving of “classic strips” which resemble choice cuts from “upper arms, thighs and buttocks”.

At a recent market research session, one astoundingly observant taster noted that “I don’t like tofu and I don’t like human flesh, so I don’t think I’ll be buying this” but followed this statement with a disturbing revelation; “It definitely tastes like something I’ve had at a food court”. Think twice about that stir fry folks, take a pass at those popcorn shrimp and maybe opt out of placing that hot dog anywhere near your mouth until the authorities find that missing janitor.

Mr. Nuckols admits that the market for his cannibal directed food product is dreadfully limited, so he offers branded merchandise and human consumption literature/film to supplement his income. Alas, his true motives were not to serve the cannibal community at all but to vend t-shirts and aprons with his logo emblazoned thereupon. Now, I’m not a real cannibal (but I play one on blogspot.com) so I’m not offended by the fact that his product isn’t truly going to market with my demographic in mind, but I am insulted by the fact that a side dish of his self serving invention is that it could potentially rehabilitate cannibals from eating real people all together. With no true man-eating alternative in the world, we cannibals (virtually or otherwise) would all be forced to eat something called “tofurkey” (wow, there's a tofurky.com! - I feel ill) and attend business school, just to be "normal". At press tme I'm unsure what's worse.

Not to be outdone by another counterfeit cannibal, pictured above is our take on the elusive marketing to meat eaters trend. Dinner is served.

iPod played "Judas Priest - Eat Me Alive" while posting