Johnson's in Hot Coffee - Pleasing With Pants On

The dumb ass media is dubbing it “Hot Coffeegate” if you can believe it. The beloved gansta game, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is being hauled off store shelves across North America for having un-lockable explicit content woven in through the back end game code called “Hot Coffee”. The sexual content code in question is an embedded mini game wherein the hero/anti-hero Carl Johnson gets down and dirty with girlfriend Denise. The mod title comes from the fact that Denise invites Carl in for “some coffee” after a successful date of drinks, dinner, dancing or driving around. In the locked version of the game the sexual activity does indeed occur, all you are privy to is a view of her house with suggestive but harmless dialogue coming from therein (at one point Carl is barely legible as he most obviously has his mouth full of Denises’ donair, but nothing is seen). With Hot Coffee engaged (what a pain in the ass that is) Carl has a little more fun, but the player is the one in control, pleasing Denise becomes a game in itself where like real life, you can fail miserably or bookmark another chapter in her resume of romance by pressing the right buttons. As you can see from the screenshots, the player is involved in the process of satisfying Denise, which I guess is where people like Hillary Rodham Clinton have a problem.

So far in the game I’ve killed over 2500 people including virtual cops, animated grannies and business women. Yet it is one polygonal pubis that brings wrath down upon the gaming industry, gets the game hauled off store shelves and Take 2 Interactive/Rockstar Games inherently expecting to lose some $50 million (Take 2 shares dropped 6.7%on the Nasdaq on day one of the announcement) as a result. A caffeine free version of the game is to be released within the coming months, foul language, cop killing and prostitute popping intact. After the politicians, media and moms blathered on about the evils of the video game industry I decided to put San Andreas to the test. I took Denise out for a date, I gave her flowers and proceeded to dance her ass off at a local club, after which I took her home. Before she asked me in for coffee I beat her up. Not cool. I shot her a few times. Also not cool. The game punished me for mistreating my woman but the media punished me for pleasing her. I shot twelve cops afterwards and I guess that was OK.

The guy at EB Games and I talked a little about Hot Coffee and we really couldn’t see what the problem was since games are now geared towards guys in late twenties/early thirties. Well that was us and no one asked either of us if we had a problem with polygonal poontang.

iPod played "The Slackers - Married Girl" while posting