Return of the King - Unlikely

Far be it from me to belittle someone’s beliefs, but the king is dead.
Elvis Aaron Presley sat high upon his porcelain throne for the very last time on August 16th, 1977 at the age of 42. Suburban legend would have you believe that the ripened yet undisputed king of rock & roll was defecating when the reaper booked him the penthouse suite at the heartbreak hotel. The big hunk o’ love either had his hound dog stop ticking from a combination of rumored barbiturates, had his kidneys fail or maybe aliens did indeed steal his soul to genetically engineer a master race of pelvis people to control the universe. To whatever end you subscribe - the man is dead, and though his autopsy results won’t be made public until the year 2027 we can best assume that if he was indeed still alive, the Undead King would’ve surely come out of hiding when his daughter married Michael Jackson simply to beat his lily white ass back into oblivion. Here’s what we know of the “Hillbilly Kitty” and his love of fine cat nip.

The grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich man reportedly stayed up all night, entertaining friends with the odd ditty and even played racquetball that morning before hitting the bed at around 8:00 am on Tuesday, August 16th. Sometime in the late morning, Elvis perched his naked rear end upon the toilet with some reading material, his fiancée Ginger Alden, who was sleeping elsewhere in the house, found him dead at 2:00 pm (though the medical examiners report say he was found in the dressing room) – He had been dead for 2 or 3 hours. There was a report that the King wasn’t naked at all, that he was found wearing fetching blue pajamas and yet another report maintains that the bathroom had been cleansed of royal vomit before examiners even got there and solid fact began to collapse shortly thereafter.

The lucky lads who got to see what made Elvis rock from the inside out were coroner Dr. Jerry T. Francisco, autopsy attendee Dr. Eric Muirhead and Dr. Noel Florredo. The thee gentlemen obviously allowed their celebrity corpse get the better of them since it was later determined that the trio initially concealed facts, attributing his death to a massive coronary failure - inadvertently birthing the immortal Elvis phenomenon. They admitted that the autopsy reports were misrepresented to not “tarnish the image by a scandal of a drug habit” after stating that "there was no indication of any drug abuse of any kind” but since his stomach contents were said to have been flushed away by mistake this remained here say until Dr. Muirhead broke the silence. Muirhead later stated that the body contained a total of 14 drugs including 10 times the normal dosage of codeine and that toxic levels of Methaqualone (ludes) were also uncovered from inside the fallen idol.

It’s also important to note that if the man were indeed still walking the earth - he would be doing so with no internal organs since his drug addled brain and beaten heart are still in storage at the Baptist Memorial Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee.

Presley was originally buried at the Forest Hill Cemetery in Memphis, next to his mother, but after an attempted exhumation the body was relocated (along with Mama Pelvis) to Graceland Mansion - the King’s Castle.

*Elvis on his throne illustration by Coop

iPod played "Royal Crown Revue - Walkin' Like Brando" while posting