Wynonna's Big Brown Beaver

In the early afternoon of October 20th, 1967 (after seven days of exploration), Roger Patterson and Robert Grimlin set out on horseback to once more call attention to significant evidence that supported the existence of a great hairy beast roaming the western wilds of North America. Based on tips provided by California construction crews who were building a road through the remote Bluff Creek area in the late fifties, the two Sasquatch seekers set out to film the fabled fur-ball. Armed with a hand held 16mm Kodak movie camera, the men spotted a female Bigfoot down by the creek. Patterson reports that his horse also caught sight of the ape-like creature, reared up and fell to the ground, pinning Patterson beneath it. He quickly dislodged himself, snatched his camera and proceeded to run towards the beast shooting 24 feet (952 Frames – the one seen here is the world famous “Frame 352”) of color film. Grimlin reportedly watched the whole thing through the sight of his rifle in case the mighty mammal turned to attack the idiot chasing her down with a camera or perchance pursue a portion of potential royalties from the sale of the film. The creature allegedly turned and promptly headed back into the forest leaving the bewildered men to briefly give chase but ultimately opt out of pursuing the large hairy broad for fear of attack. Convinced that they had most of the evidence needed to authenticate Big Foot to the world (and determine it’s sex based on somewhat visible breasts), they sought foot prints along the creek side and made some impressions of a 14.5 x 6 inch imprints (which were purportedly washed away by heavy rainfall the following day).

Patterson made a tidy profit off the film (to which no likeness rights were paid to the mythic creature) and then he passed away in 1972 (it’s also worth noting that his horse was suspiciously silent about the whole affair). Grimlin, who also didn’t make a dime from the sale of the film phenomenon, defended it’s authenticity until March of 1992 , when he admitted that he may very well have been an unwilling participant in an elaborate hoax concocted by his colleague.

Widely regarded as the second most viewed film of all time (next to the Zapruder film of the Kennedy assignation and possibly the Pam & Tommy Lee skin flick) its legitimacy and the existence of the mythical beastie itself is still in question, but new “evidence” stands to make light or dark of all that …

Reuters
Monday, July 25, 2005

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - The debate over the existence of sasquatch, aka Bigfoot, an ape-like creature said to haunt the wilderness of western Canada has entered the world of modern DNA testing. A laboratory will test hair samples that several residents of Teslin, Yukon, say were left when the large, but so-far mythological creature made a late-night run through their community in early July.

University of Alberta wildlife geneticist David Coltman, who agreed to do the tests as a favor to a colleague, said on Monday that scientists have cataloged the DNA of nearly all large animals in the Yukon such as bears and bison. "So we'll compare it to all of that, and if it doesn't match anything, then it's potentially interesting," said Coltman, who suspects the hair was actually left behind by a much more mundane Yukon bison. "If sasquatch is indeed a primate, then we would expect the sample to be closer to humans or chimpanzees or gorillas," Coltman said.

The legend of a large, hairy, two-legged creature lurking in the mountains of western Canada and the United States dates back to before Europeans settled the continent. This was the second report of the creature near Teslin in just over a year. In the latest sighting, a group of Teslin residents told the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. they heard branches cracking and saw a large human-like creature run by a house. It left behind large footprints, they said, and the hair tufts that were given to wildlife officials. Coltman expects to have his results on Thursday and said that even if the hair turns out not to be from a sasquatch, the process should serve as good way to get students interested in the field of DNA testing.
"It's sort of like a wildlife CSI story," he said.

In an effort to ascertain how very serious Sasquitch (plural?) researchers are taking the new development in their furry pursuit or how well they’ll take the fact that their new hope is quite possibly hair from a Bison’s scrotum - I went to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO) and reported a Sasquatch sighting of my own through their Bigfoot/Sasquatch Sighting Report Form. Though the BFRO clearly state that submitting joke or fake reports will not be added to the database, I took my chances since I truly believe that there are stunning similarities between the Patterson/Grimlin film and this celebrated mug shot of country music creature Wynonna Judd (Nashville, TN 2003 - DUI Charge). If you cross reference the BFRO data for the state of Tennessee in the year 2003 there are some disturbing revelations, so I went a little further and matched this to her archived tour dates. Though admittedly, most dates do not align (clearly indicating that there are in fact plenty of these creatures out in public) those that do match are usually accompanied by credible sightings stating that “unidentified primate continues to attract attention” or “man has late night encounter in Tennessee woods”. Though the eastern United States is not their usual stomping grounds, the Sasquatch in question is clearly comfortable in this environment, Besides, “Wynonna” sounds suspiciously like the startling noise that would emit from a large ape-like mammal trying to communicate...

"Wynoooooooooooooooooooonnnna”.

Anyone who has actually seen the size of a Wynonna's feet (or the hair thereupon) is encouraged to comment with their findings.
I am still awaiting a response from the BFRO to validate my own findings.

iPod played "Primus - Wynona's Big Brown Beaver" while posting