e-Flirts & This Donkeys' Swollen Sphincter Spectacular

I’m a good boy; I make trouble only on occasion and usually unprovoked. As mentioned previously though, I’ve been re-assigned during some work related disruptions so I’m not currently nestled in my comfort zone of corporate chaos. No, they’ve placed me on another floor, in spitting distance of a monkey man and his diaper dame (though not for long), trying to keep the wounded world afloat by plugging one asshole at a time. As is the case with most new environments there’s a period of growth and unease – a little uncertainty as to your role, your place, and your face – so when I came into contact with a girl I knew over 8 years ago - I was a little relieved. We didn’t have shorthand anymore but she was a friendly face that I could count on for some comfort if things went south. We were passing e-mails back and forth and everything seemed to be going quite well, I had a new person to berate with my nonsense, she had a new person to kill softly with second hand smoke and then it all fell off the rails.

E-flirts have always been a fairly innocent way to enhance ones relationship with someone without the awkward baby steps of a face to face meeting. You can casually throw volleys of small talk about the place, pepper them with Cannibal Brand Humor and before you know it you’ve made another well seasoned friend. From time to time this recipe backfires though and you’re left with either a Dejected Dame or a Misled Madame – one wonders which is worse. There are a few of the ladies down here that for whatever reason see me as cheap Outlook entertainment, it’s nice to be e-popular but some of the e-mails started to e-dangle the carrot a little too close to the e-hole – it was time to work The Wife into the conversation.

Monogamous guys often have a hard time dropping the W into a conversation, if misconstrued the W can be like dynamite in a donkey’s rectum – all you’re left with is a blown asshole. She could tell you that “you must be joking, I would never be interested in you” or “that’s being a little presumptuous isn’t it?” Your cover is blown, she knows that you think she wants you… and she doesn’t… now where’s that dynamite?

“Wanna join me outside for a cigarette?”

“I dunno, I’ll call the wife and ask if it’s OK.”

That’ll never work (this is the SAGA approach - nice job, freak!). After a few days of casual e-flirts, the gal I knew so very long ago finally drops the “Boyfriend” into a conversation, I can relax – our casual relationship continues and all is groovy. I tell her that it’s good to have her back in my life – things are working out! But then I get this sinking feeling… can’t place it… unsure if it’s gas or something I haven… she thinks I want HER! I stumble a little. Was it a trick? Ladies are sophisticates these days, they’re not the credulous creatures they were when we were fresh in the game, she knows the score and I have no idea where the scoreboard is whatsoever. I regain balance and search her eyes for that “oh, you poor man” look – it never appears. We carry on as normal now, safe in the knowledge that she’ll never know that I thought she wanted me.

iPod played "The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize??" while posting