Ill-informed Opinions from a Suburban Refugee & Pop Cultural Misfit

Monday, September 05, 2005

Good Girl / Bad Girl Mystery – How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop?

The age old mental meatloaf known as the good girl/bad girl conflict within a man’s mind is as old as man itself (or meatloaf, whatever came first). In the time of Adam and Eve, if Adam found out that the snake in the garden had a secret tattoo of an S&M scenario somewhere on it’s underbelly, he would’ve certainly made a move on it – Eve was such a goody two shoes (even though she had no shoes), how could he not wonder what evil lies beneath the serpent scales (“Gimme some sugar, baby” – name that one Serena). Let’s examine the snake’s modern day incarnation - Angelina Jolie, a filthy creature that has somehow managed to cleave a Hollywood power couple into media bloating shards of serpent shit. I am of course speaking of the whole Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston split that seems to have brought out the fangs of scandal and sunk them into the skull of even the most casual media whore. Jolie was never a favorite, she appears as if she’d be just as comfortable strung out on heroin in a ditch as she would flayed on a brothel bed with a college football team gathered ‘round and yet on occasion she cleans herself up and can appear fairly presentable (Courtney Love syndrome). It was rumored long before that the Pitt Bulls of Bradley were hungry for some Jolie jerky but the public at large dismissed the claims with the belief that Anniston was a “Good Girl” and ol’ Brad would never leave our “Friend” for the grimy, brother tonguing actress. Wrongo-Bongo!

So why would Bradley Blue Balls blow off the nice girl and pursue an obvious cutter and potential STD super conductor? She’s the bad girl! She’s the type of chick you know is a freak in her Underoos and very obviously a filthy feline (no matter how many foreign kittens she adopts) - she could show the Pitt things that Anniston wouldn’t even think happens in prison porn. So, why the evil attraction? Surely there was something kinetic between the two of them that would make Pitt abandon the Anniston for a side of Angelina, wouldn’t there have to be a reaction for the notoriously shy Pitt to bring more attention to himself? The thing is, even “regular” folks have the bite of the Valkyrie to contend with, though not on the cover of every bloody newsstand, gossip column or pre-teen backyard bonfire. No, we have to deal with it in private.

The wife is one of the sweetest little flower petals on the planted earth, so why am I oddly fascinated with the hellion who fills my mailbox with suggestive e-flirts and is always trying to get me drunk? She’s the very rust on the nail that makes the crucifixion all the more painful.

Regular readers will know exactly what I’m talking about, those of you who are new to this buffet will have to simply stand in line and wait for the rest of us to finish.

iPod played "The Slackers - Married Girl" while posting

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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5:11 PM

 
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5:16 PM

 
Blogger The Dark Pig said...

I tried to have sex with Angelina Jolie. She was so infected my weiner exploded right before it touched her.

It could be true... stop judging me, how do you know I couldn't score with her.

8:36 PM

 
Blogger Serena said...

Shop smart. Visit serena-abroad.com.

8:18 AM

 
Blogger Megan said...

Its true...you guys always wanna marry the good girl and screw the slut. Look at 19th century England...men thought sex was too dirty for their wives so they visited the whorehouse ever night (thank you History of Sex).

What is so appealing about poking something that's been poked so many times it should have holes in it?

8:39 AM

 
Blogger UrbanCannibal said...

Volume :) HAHAHA!

11:53 AM

 
Blogger UrbanCannibal said...

Hey, this SPAM thing is starting to get a little out of hand, wouldn't you say?

12:00 PM

 
Blogger Serena said...

The trick is not in choosing between good girl and bad girl, but in finding a lady that is both sweet and proper on the outside (the kind you can take home to Mother), but slutty with a craving for filthy in the sack :) er...um, so I've heard.


(UC- did you really miss the "Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart" reference in my faux spam?)

3:15 PM

 
Blogger UrbanCannibal said...

HA Ha! I didn't even read it! Well played, nicely done.

4:25 PM

 
Blogger The Dark Pig said...

You probably didn't visit
Pen Island.net either.

7:02 PM

 
Blogger UrbanCannibal said...

No, but I got stranded there once when I was a wee boy. Those were good times... a firm handshake was the result

7:43 PM

 
Anonymous Saga said...

I think Serena has the idea but, then that has to contend with "how much dirt is acceptable?"

11:21 PM

 

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