Tilt the Slot, Coins to Continue or Other Matter in the Meat Sauce

I guess the long and short hair on the camel’s back (beneath all the straw of course) is that I am a relationship junkie, pure and simple. Spoke with the Pig the other night and we determined that in the last decade plus, I’ve been single for all of about two months in total. That’s no small feat when you consider how very hideous I am, I guess a sense of humor goes a long way after all (that and a veracious sex drive). My old high school chums used to make light of the fact that I always had a lady in my life, rolling from one flipper to another like a masochistic pin ball. So what happens when you abuse a pinball machine too much? TILT! Casino slot machines can tilt when they’ve either run out of coins or if one is obstructing the coin hole. Tilt also happens to be a poker term for a “state of mental confusion or frustration in which a player knowingly adopts a sub-optimal over-aggressive strategy”. “TILT”; maybe I should get the term tattooed on my pale white Canadian arse.

For the second time in well under a ½ year, yours truly is no longer attached (“Tilt”); the frayed strand that held me hence has fallen away from around my throat and now collects dust among the bunnies. Single for all of about 5 hours this last time, I’m thinking that I should hang my soggy mittens by the fire a little longer this time out, maybe burn them all together in fact. I really went into this one with my pecker in power, convinced that this would be the first passion perfect relationship to actually work. I’ve taken shits that have lasted longer and I had more at stake than I could afford to lose to the bowl gods. So here I am, “at the end of all things”, with a big, lonely house to pay for and no want to share my space with a roommate. Why so hard this time around? Because I didn’t have time to mourn my parting with “The Wife”, I’m now forced to deal with the loss of both of them, a collective that truly stings like a crooked quill through the soft flesh of your right nipple.

I’m an intelligent guy who rarely makes flakey decisions that leave any lasting crust on my life pie, so why the sudden tilt? I spent so much energy convincing those around me that I was right and that if they didn’t like the situation or choice of partner - they could indeed take a long, hard, suck on my arse. Most were true to their friendship with me and convinced themselves that I knew what I was doing despite what it looked like, it turns out that they were right all along and looked ill to all but me. I was a fool, blinded by the allure of being hunted, believing our own hype even after admitted hesitations, I not only bought the illusion – I believed it myself. So what happened to me? Well, I’m a relationship junkie.

One of the hardest things I’ll ever do is not get a girlfriend; my friends think that it’ll be good for me to be alone for a while, maybe I’ll get behind some of my ambitions instead of longing for their completion. Sex doesn’t look like it’ll be a problem; in fact some peripheral princesses are more than happy to just “fool around” from what I gather. So what to do? My buds tell me that I’ve truly got the best beef on the barbeque, but I guess I want more, I want the sauce too. I guess I’m going to just hang about and see what happens for a change, perhaps be a slut for a bit. Thank Gord for women with bad taste in men - an (astoundingly forward) woman in this office has been waiting for me to be returned to the shelf, amazing. With my luck she's another fucking lunatic. Please insert coin to continue?


UPDATE:

Submitted for your diagnosis, the following unabridged but identity scrubbed transcript from inner office communicator. Another psycho in the stew, another passion pickle to play with or simply a grammer challenged chump? You decide and let me know, but please keep in mind this this is a piece of my strange little life, so be gentle with me.

UrbanCannibal: Hi, sorry if my compliment was a little out of line, I’ve been a real dope lately
Psycho?: are you kidding, if i knew all it took was a pair of cowboy boots to get you to talk to me, i'd of bought them months ago!
UC: I've talked to you!
Psy: ya about my system errors! actually, you did catch me off guard. i like being caught off guard
Psy: im glad you took a peak, cause ive taken a few of you
UC: You need a stronger prescription on those glasses of yours
Psy: how humble of you, you know, that only makes you sexier
UC: That word and I don't often collide. You're a strange lady
PSY: i dont think im strange...maybe a little too forward though. I hope I havent made you too uncomfortable but i had to say what i had to say
UC: I'm not uncomfortable, if it wasn't for women with bad taste in guys, I'd get nowhere with them - haha
PSY: that was funny
UC: You gotta have a sense of humor with a mug like this
PSY: i actually think i have fantastic taste-you've got both looks and personality
UC: Oi? Geez, let me read back a little, how the hell did we get this far in one conversation?
PSY: its my charm i guess
UC: Perhaps. Let's change gears for a minute, How are you?
PSY: im good. how are you
UC: If I said "different" would that deflect that question?
PSY: the oppositte i think
UC: I should shut up then. Why so forward? Is it a hobby of yours?
PSY: not at all..i actually dont know why...i should be the one to shut up actually
UC: Why do you think you have to shut up? Silly woman
PSY: as long as i dont make you feel uncomfortable, i wont
UC: Not uncomfortable, I had my arse dumped over the xmas holidays, I think I could use a little "forward"
UC: Merry eX-mas
PSY: well, she obviously wasnt ready for a good thing
UC: A good thing? Darlin, you don't even know me!
PSY: yes but i have a gut feeling about you
UC: You're kidding
PSY: nope, im serious snookums
UC: I have to admit that I'm a little shocked, all this from a boot compliment?
PSY: i guess im kinda easy
hehehehe
kidding
sorta
no seriously kidding
UC: Wow, this is the best first conversation ever. Any more confessions?
PSY: yes well, im the best for firsts. confessions? always..you just have to know how to ask
PSY: what time are you here until?
UC: I'm here until around 7:45-8:00, et vous?
PSY: im done 5 minutes ago...the things you have me doing
already-staying overtime and all...my imagination doth run wild bout what you will have me doing by tomorrow
UC: I'm sorry to make you stay; we'll catch this conversation tomorrow.

Doth? Verdict? Please discuss and excuse any spelling errors

iPod played "Neil Young - Helpless" while posting