The Curious Tale of Captain Codpiece & the Cannibal Who Loved Him

She looked up at me with those immaculate blue eyes and asked, “what’s with the old guy?”
"Gran'Paw & Galoshes?" I said.

How I came across “Captain Codpiece”, the aged avatar I’ve been assaulting readers with for the past few months, is probably not unlike how most of you seek out a jpeg to spice up your content or whatnot; I turned to the Google Image Search for a quick and dirty solution. Back in February I was looking for a picture of two old men on a bench to illustrate the Dark Pig and I “sitting this one out”, so I went through an blind image search with varying degrees of “old men” activities as the root to eventually arrive upon an image of some half naked gray bearded oddity pulling a “Captain Morgan” beside a rock… in what appeared to be a gigantic rubber jock strap incidentally. Never one to shy from a challenge I clicked on the image and was brought face to face with a man I call “Captain Codpiece” (based on the two very obvious details above), the “humble host” of a place called “*Leather Oats” – a fetish farm of sorts where this rather homely looking senior citizen explores his inner tube and saunters about his creepy compound in custom costumes of leather and rubber… oh yeah, and he likes to over emphasize his junk with an infant sized codpiece (and by that I quite literally mean the body of an infant).

As regular readers know, I think fetishes are fascinating, so I read through some of his explorations to ascertain what the hell the deal was with this guy. To be fair, there’s no secks on the site (thank gawd, I think he’s into dudes anyway), but Harold claims to have archived well over 1000 images of his fine self wading around in kiddie pools, ornamental ponds, storm sewers and generally hanging out. Needless to say, Harold’s a strange guy, so rather than speak for him I’ll rip an introduction from his home page as to not misquote his intentions in any way:

Parental Guidance Required? My motto has always been, "It's Better to Conceal than Reveal", ever since I heard Dinah sing that to Doris! You'll never see frontal nudity nor sexually explicit acts depicted on my site! But, I guarantee you that I get into some pretty exotic gear. This is your warning that if you're under the age of consent, or have a low prudery threshhold, please push that"BACK" button on your Browser Now ! !

Yikes! Thanks for the warning Harold, but what you failed to “conceal” was a huge picture of your leather clad man pouch right above and beneath this caption. To each his own I guess.

Harold’s not alone in his little Rubbermaid fashion passion, not only is someone taking these photographs of him, incessantly it seems, but he’s had over 68,000 visitors since December 2000 (almost enough to get this Canadian Cannibal into galoshes). He’s been at his unusual diversion for a long time too; there are pictures of him from 1972 (!) dressed like a gay garden hose not to mention riding motorcycles, rolling around in the mud and setting up what appears to be a boy proof bondage den in his attic (paperboys and cub scouts beware). So to his credit, you can’t say that he jumped on the fetish bandwagon, hell, he was around when the first damn bandwagon was built.

So why the tongue in cheek obsession with this guy, why pepper my space with admittedly creepy pictures of this half naked senior citizen eternally thrusting his inflated jock at passerby? Well, quite honestly it makes me laugh, I love that he makes some readers mildly uncomfortable and there was literally so much macho man material to pilfer – he was an easy target as it were. That’s why it’s with heavy heart that I retire my adopted avatar, not out of respect for the man and his odd obsession but because I believe that he has a right to be a freak (he can't help himself). No longer will you see that lazy eyed rubber man gracing the pixels of this site or have him pop up in your inbox proclaiming his undying love for your rosy red rectum. Nope, the cod is with gawd, but next time you see a blown tire at the side of the road, think of Harold and try not to laugh yourself into the ditch, I have a long way to go before I reach 68,000.

Is it just me or does our gregarious geriatric look a little like Sean Connery from “the Hunt for Red October” except instead of commanding a nuclear sub he has it stuck down his pants.

*Actual name of website has been changed by one letter to avoid unflattering cross traffic through search engines, besides I wouldn’t want Harold to show up at my door one day and beat me down with his titanium wang now would I?

iPod played “Rick James – Superfreak” while posting